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Following is an attempt to express what happened the day Ankit Saxena was awakened.
After doing meditation regularly for around 10 years, on 2nd July 2015, at around 8 P.M I locked myself in a room without windows at my home. Turned off the lights and sat for meditation with a determination that I won’t get up until I get an answer to the question ‘Who am I’.
Stage 1: Demons
After around 1 hour of doing meditation I started seeing demons, skeletons and other horrifying creatures, it was completely dark and it didn’t matter if I closed my eyes or opened them. They were there. They were dancing. They were trying to scare me and please me at the same time.
I wasn’t afraid as I already had these kind of experiences earlier.
I was thinking at that time that I am not interested in you and I won’t get up until I know myself.
And then suddenly, a roar came from inside myself, I roared, roared like a lion and with my roar they disappeared.
Stage 2: Cosmic Orgasm
I was hearing beating sound of bells, several insects, my own heart, I was feeling that whole earth is alive, breathing and with every beat I was feeling orgasmic, even clapping my hands was orgasmic.
But I was determined. I had promised myself before starting this meditation session that no matter what I experience, I won’t stop until I get answer to the question that has remained unanswered since I was young. Who am I. ‘Main kaun hu’
Stage 3: Dissolution of Ankit Saxena
What I define as myself, my identity, is a sum up of my parental upbringing- the way my parents raised me when I was a kid, things they taught me, what I learned at school, from books, internet, what I learned from my friends and people I met, my experiences - All these learning and experiences shaped me into who I am. What happened during this stage was that the experiences started to disintegrate. It was like untying all the knots, for example let's say each experience and learning that I had until now is a single wire, during this stage all these wires began to brake. Like unlearning everything that I had learned until now. My identity, Ankit Saxena began to dissolve, like removing all cloths and becoming naked.
Language is also like this cloth and it began to dissolve. I remembered my childhood when I was a kid and my parent taught me how to speak, how to define an experience or object into words. When a cute, dazzling, delightful, marvelous, pleasing, enticing, playful moving object became a ‘puppy’. It was kind of removing veils of languages and revealing my true self, my true identity.
Stage 4: Great Insight
During this stage, I got insight into my past lives, karma, reincarnation and several other Spiritual themes. It is beyond scope of this video to explain them. I’ll try to create more videos in future to explain them.
Stage 5. Discovery of true self
I had an out of body experience, my arms where passing through each other. I expanded and filled the whole universe.
And finally I realized who I am, I am the creator of whole universe, I created everything, I am unborn and I cannot die, I had always been and I’ll always be.
I am the void, I am the nothingness, I am the light, light of the tunnel, light of truth.
I am inside everything, everything is inside me. The whole world is my dream, and I have created it for no reason. There is no universal purpose of existence.
Every being is my manifestation and their life is my dream. World is a dream that I have created for myself.
Stage 6. Haunted Existence
And suddenly I realized that Ankit Saxena doesn’t exist, that nobody exists, there is only action and no actors, and there is only experience and no one to experience it.
Universe is full of eerily silence,
Only silence exist, infinite emptiness, void and it haunting.
I stood up and went to my terrace.
Stage 7: Awakening
It’s almost impossible to explain this stage in words. I was sitting on a bench on my terrace and watching the sky. And suddenly I woke up. By waking up I don’t mean that I was sleeping or dreaming in the literal sense, I was fully awake in the literal sense before this ‘awakening’. I was awake AND then I woke up.
Yes, I had been asleep my whole life and woke up for this first time.
Stage 8: Struggle to Control Body and Escaping Death.
As soon as I was awakened, I realized I am dying and suddenly I started to lose control over my body. Normally we have full control over our body, we can move our hands and feet. But after awakening suddenly I started to lose control over my body.
I was squirming and twisting my hands to regain control. I tried to move my hand and did little exercise, walked around the terrace.
After few minutes, I regained full control over my body and went for a walk.